The swamp rats of Tatooine

I went to a party a while back. They had lost the labels for the two kegs. No one could tell which beer was which. I told them to step aside, I was unemployed. Two sips and I solved the mystery. The one on the right was Landshark, the left was Fat Tire. Should I consider quitting - Hell No! Just cutting back. I had been spending over $100 a week for booze. This is the fourth day in row that I have been sober. Honestly it sucks. How do you people do it? My plan is to drink only 2 days a week instead of 4 or 5. And I can only get fucked up once during the "work" week. Further, I can only drink good beer or liquor on one of those days. On the other day, its Icehouse road quarts in the can.

I just read over that last paragraph. The problem may be worse than I initially feared.

But there is hope! The rebel fighters have penetrated the Death Star's outer defenses. Several have begun their attack run; the two meter exhaust port is in sight. Which made me think. Luke used to bullseye swamp rats in his T16 back home on Tatooine. Now, Tatooine is a planet that is entirely desert. So where exactly in the desert does one find "swamp" rats?

Further, shouldn't Luke's propensity to slaughter innocent animals for sport, factored into Yoda's decision to train him in the Jedi arts? Too old and reckless my ass! The boy has no patience or respect for living creatures. Hell, even his old Pa, Ani-boy, did not kill for sport. He slaughtered the Sand People in revenge for happened to his Ma. He did not put out 'Sand People bait' and crawl up in his T16 and wait for the unsuspecting bastards. Then stuff a couple of them and hang them above Padme's fireplace

Math of the functional alcoholic

How can a man, who hikes 20 miles a week for 3 months, still gain over 10 pounds? The numbers are terrifying. Sadly, the facts I am about to present to you are accurate.

Calories burned:
I usually hiked at least 6 1/2 miles at a time, 3 times a week - 35 times total during the summer. My typical hiking time per trip was 2 1/2 hours. With my pack, that's burning about 800 calories an hour. So I burned 2,000 per trip, times 35 trips. That equals 70,000 calories burned over the summer.

Calories consumed.
I usually drank 60 beers a week (or more) for 12 weeks. That's 720 beers over the summer; or 67 1/2 gallons. A typical beer of my preference runs 160 calories each. That's 115,200 calories imbibed over the summer.

115,200 calories consumed minus 70,000 calories burned. That a surplus of 45,200 calories. Now divide that by about 3,500 calories per pound of fat. So my beer drinking accounted for the13 pounds of fat put on my ass. The scale confirms my calculations.

Oh but it is worse! I gained 13 pounds over the summer. Had I not drank all that beer and still hiked; those 70,000 calories burned would have caused me to loose 20 pounds. So in all actuality, my voracious beer consumption caused me to be 33 pounds heavier today than I should be.

Guess how many pounds over weight I am... 36. So had I been able to resist the irresistible call of beer, I would only be 3 pounds over weight right now.

Worse yet, all that beer cost over $500.

Yes, I realize the absurdity of my beer habit. I have decided to take action and take back control of my life.

I am switching to vodka