The Cipro Story

My brother and one of his bestest friends had a joint bachelor party, in the Bahamas. The trip in and of itself is a hell of a story, but this story spring from that trip.

During a drunken episode, me and a friend decided to play full contact volleyball in the resort pool. Of course, it is all fun and games until somebody gets hurt, then it is hilarious. I was the one who got hurt. I skinned my knee, it left a spot with no skin on it, about the size of a quarter. With no confidence in Caribbean medicine, I just slapped Neosporin on it until I got home, a week later.

Arriving home, the wound had not yet begun to heal and was emitting puss. Figuring this was a trivial medical matter, I went to a walk in clinic for help instead of my doctor. It took a little time, but I told the doctor the full story of my injury including the final score of the full contact volleyball match. The doc cleaned the wound and wrote me a prescription for Cipro.

"Cipro is a very powerful drug, but there have been stories of some bad infections coming out of Central America the last few years and I want to err on the safe side. Cipro is probably more fire power than you really need but lets be sure."

Not being a doctor I did not argue geography with him. The Bahamas is in the Caribbean not Central America. But ole boy had a Phd and his reasoning was reasonable. I dutifully filled my prescription and began taking Cipro. All went well that night save an odd bad dream about snakes.

Around ten the next morning my rear was back in my desk chair at work. Nature called me to the restroom. I stood up and almost lost my balance. Shrugging it off as nothing I heeded nature's call. What came out of me was horrible. Had I seen such a liquid like substance in the wilds; I would have never guessed that it came from a human. Standing up from the commode, I almost lost my footing again. This pattern continued for the rest of the day. Every time I stood up my head swam; I had to be careful not to fall. My bowels were constantly churning out a vile liquid. By the end of the day I was having trouble completing my work; I kept getting confused.

At home that evening I continued to feel awful. It got worse when my breath started getting short. As I lay down for sleep; I thought "This is the worst hang over I have ever had." That night I got no rest. A series of nightmares haunted me incessantly. There were snakes coming out of walls, the world turning totally dark, hideous creatures hunting me. Day break found me exhausted, light headed and gasping for air.

Driving to work I got lost; despite having driven the same way for years. I began to freak out because of the road. There was a sharp curve to the left in the road. But my senses told my brain the the road was bending to the right. But just yesterday it went to the left! Surely the highway department had not changed the road since yesterday? I wondered if I weren't still asleep and having another nightmare.

Once at work it only got worse. The first thing I tried to do was read an office memo. All the memo said was: "There will be a company wide meeting Thursday at 3:00PM, everyone's attendance is mandatory." After twenty minutes of trying, I still did not understand what I was reading. The individual words were clear, I just could not put them together and make any sense of it. My desk became very unnerving. Things just were not quite right. The stapler looked like it was two feet long. I lost my pen and could not find it, until I stabbed myself in the head with it; it was in my hand. The computer screen looked like it was 50 feet away. I would have sworn to you that my office chair was rolling away with me in it. A coworker came into my office.

"Delores, is my chair moving at all right now?"

"Uhhhhh? What?"

"Is my chair moving?"

"Mr. Ert are you okay?"

"DELORES, stop hemy hawing around, am I moving or NOT?"

"NO, No, you have been perfectly still since I came into the room."

"DAMN!"

"I take it that this is not a good time to go over the past due accounts. Would you like some help?"

"No! Delores, I am just feeling a little peckish. I am gonna go home and take the rest of the day off." I stood up to leave and almost fell over and shit on myself. The diarrhea had evolved into a painful ordeal.

The drive home was agony. Still the concepts of left and right were hellish. Any bend in the road confused me. On a straight away, I thought I could relax. Suddenly it felt like I was driving straight UP! Panic set in. I thought I had taken a wrong turn and was motoring up a cliff. White knuckled I held onto the steering wheel. At any moment I thought my car was going to fall over backward. Only by Providence did I make it home alive.

I tried to eat; it ended in burning vomit. Agitated and shaking I began walking in circles in my backyard, chain smoking. I began talking to myself aloud as I took a drag off a cigarette.

"Well, you've done it now Dirty Ert. You've lost your mind. It was probably the 3 shots of Tequila on the plane back from the Bahamas that did it. I've gone insane. I've lost it. My brain went around a bend and there is no going back. I am now officially a lunatic. I can't think; I am scared. All is lost."

I continued to walk in circles and smoke in silence, until my next idea hit.

"That's it! THAT IS IT!! I am going to empty my bank account and buy a one way ticket to Istanbul. I can't bring the shame of my broken life upon my family. Istanbul, YES. So it is to be."

I scrambled into the house and began hunting for my passport.

"I just had it here. I had it out for the Bahamas trip. Bahamas??"

Something about the Bahamas struck me. For several moments I stood motionless trying desperately to figure out the significance of the Bahamas. Then it hit me: the wound, the doctor, the Cipro. The pharmacist gave me an info sheet with the prescription. Where is it? I tore the house apart until I found it. With my hands shaking I read aloud to myself,

"Tell your doctor if you have diarrhea that is severe, watery or last for two days."

"OK, I got that one."

"Do not drive, use machinery, or do anything that needs mental alertness until you know how this medicine affects you."

"Now they tell me."

"Do not stand or sit up quickly. Curtail the use of caffeine, antacids and zinc products while on Cipro."

"Crap, I've been drinking coffee like a fiend, popping antacids like candy and took a zinc tablet because I thought it would help my immune system."

"Call your doctor immediately if you experience any of these side effects: breathing problems, confusion, nightmares, disorientation, hallucinations, lightheaded, falling, weakness or tingling."

"Oh my God I am having all of them."

I lept for the phone and called the walk in clinic.

"At least I ain't crazy. Maybe."

"Yes! Hello! Is this the walk in clinic? ..... My name is Dirty Ert and I was there two days ago and got a prescription for Cipro. I am having some trouble with the side effects. ....... Which side effect am I having? Well, all of them."

There was a moment of silence from the nurse.

"Mame you must see me today. All hell is breaking loose around here. ..... What seems to be the problem? Honey, right before I called you, I was on my way to Istanbul and never fucking coming back. ...... You can see me in fifteen minutes? I'll be there in five if I can keep the car on the road."

Dirty Ert