Games I like to Play

I have some nerd-ass friends. They seem to spend a lot of time discussing computer games. One day they asked me "What kind of games do you play Ert?"

• "Low Coolant"
• Tales of an automotive warning light that refuses to extinguish in the wife's car
• "Beaver Quest"
• Includes the short film, "Hot assed young bitches at the gym in tighter than hell work out pants." Yes this is a film for the married man, as the "interactive" segment of "Beaver Quest" is restricted - to the same beaver every time you play.
• "Hunt for the blue handled hacksaw"
• Lost in action, soothsayers unable to divine, can you find the hacksaw before the angry husband whips some ass?
• "God Damned neighbor's cats"
• Use your skills to stop a feline turd invasion on your personal property
• "The garbage only runs on Tuesday morning"
• A classic brain twister and game of memory
• "Burn permit, we don't need no stinking burn permit"
• Burn all the leaves and brambles before being caught by the fire chief
• "Supervise your children and their friends doing anything that remotely resembles outdoor work"
• A test of patience and possibly a complete waste of time
• "Alignment"
• Imagine you are a hillbilly redneck, you drive a truck with "THE LONG WHEELBASE" You muster your skills to find a repair shop with an alignment rack long enough for your truck. Unfortunately there are only 3 such shops in town. Two of which you "no longer trade with" due to "police instructions." No official restraining order has been issued, but the nice officer did not arrest you when you threatened to beat the service manager like "an angry monkey fucking his sister" The one shop in which "the law" has not gotten involved will only see you on Tuesdays between 10:00am and 10:30am. Hurry! Before the tires prematurely wear and you spend a week's paycheck on a new set of tires.

Outlaw Power Steering

One of my old buddies, Lyle came by my apartment some years ago. Lyle is an avid outdoorsman and was "Green" many years before it was hip.

"Hey Ert Man, I need your help putting together my new idea."

"Hell man, what's your new idea?"

"I know how to cut down on pollution. Big Time!"

"Cool dude! How's that?"

"We just need Congress to pass a simple law that outlaws power steering."

"I am sorry Lyle; did you say power steering or power queering?"

"Steering!"

"You think banning power steering will cut back on pollution?"

"Hell yeah it will! Don't you see it? It is so simple. Without power steering people will drive more slowly and more efficiently."

"Drive efficiently because it is more effort to dart in and out of traffic?"

"Yeah man, you get it! Now I AM willing to make concessions. I guess it is all right if grannies and cripples have power steering"

"Lyle, were you huffing gas when you hatched this one?"

I lost the next twenty minutes of my life to his god damned nonsense. Unable to convince me to schedule an appointment with our Congressmen, Lyle left in a huff. On his way out the door he called me a narrow minded fart bag. As he heavy handedly closed the door, "You ain't visionary enough for me to drink with."

He was back at my place an hour and a half later. Two ole girls we knew showed up at my door, with a bottle of Jack. One girl called him up and he appeared at my refrigerator door in ten minutes.

"Dirty Ert, your vision has definitely improved."