Locals are funny, Vol 3, I'll cut a fish

"Man charged in attack with scissors"

That's a headline that grabs my attention. The paper offered few details and no follow up story. The facts are: the aggressor breaks into another man's home and cuts the victim on the head and hands with scissors. Then the aggressor pushes over a fish tank.

Since the media failed horribly on this one, I'll dream up the rest of the story on my own.

The aggressor (let's call him Otis) is in the grips of withdrawal from meth. Otis is broke and upset over losing his girlfriend (Amy.) She is an upper class girl who fell for a bad boy. Bored with Otis, she dumps him for our victim (Gregory.) In desperation, Otis concocts a plan. He will break into Gregory's house, rob him and scare him away from Amy. Otis hopes to get money for drugs and woo back his girl, in one stroke.

Gregory is on his couch relaxing after work. There is a loud bang on his door. Startled Gregory jumps to his feet, as Otis kicks the door open.

"OK Mother Fucker! Let's have it!"
Gregory is stunned. "Have what?"
"Your money, give me all your god damn money. That's what you get!"
"Get for what?"
"Dating her!"
"Who"
"Amy, you bastard!"
"Who are you?"
"Otis!!"
"And you would be.....?"
"Amy's boyfriend"
"Ahhh! The drug addict."
"I am not an addict; I just like to get high."

Gregory evaluates the situation. Otis is pale, shaking and failed to bring a weapon. Gregory is confident that can destroy Otis in a fight. Gregory yells as he walks toward Otis. "Look man, you just need to get the hell out of here."

The tables are turned. Otis realizes he may not have thought this one through; he is about to get an ass whopping. On a table near the door, there is a pair of scissors. Otis snatches them, hoping to regain the upper hand. From the looks of Gregory walking toward him; the scissors did not help. There is a large and meticulously kept fish tank, three feet away. The fish are exotic and expensive. Otis rushes to the tank and opens the scissors above the water.

"Back off! Back off! Or I swear the fish gets it. Come any closer and I'll cut a fish. I swear to God I will."

Concerned for his prized fish, Gregory stops. His mind rolls the situation over a few times. Then he punches Otis in the mouth. Otis flails backward; the scissors slash Gregory's hands and head. The body of Otis slams against the fish tank. The water sloshes and it begins to tip. Gregory desperately tries to steady it, to no avail. The beautiful fish and colored pebbles pour out onto the floor.

Gregory kicks Otis in the balls so hard that he almost stops breathing. After calling 911, Gregory calls Amy.

"You owe me a fish tank, bitch."

Dirty Ert

Locals Are Funny, Vol 2, Slow Police Response

A great story hit the local papers; here are the facts as I have gleaned them from the reports.


A man in his sixties comes home. There is a window broken on his house. He calls 911 wanting a Deputy to come out. Police can ensure that no felon is hiding in your closet. Should any thing be stolen, the nice patrolman will make a report for your insurance. So far, so good.


Then our intrepid hillbilly home owner takes a turn for the worst. He decides that the Deputies are taking way to long to respond to his call. Maybe this guy had beer that was getting cold. Or perhaps, his beer did not get cold, because he drank it. Either way, the plot was about to thicken.


His patience exhausted, our home owner calls 911 again. This time he tells the dispatcher that there was someone in the house. And he has just shot the intruder. Then he told 911 “that there was no longer a need for officers to respond.”


Law enforcement does not think in these terms. "Well, we were going to make our way out there to investigate a possible burglary. But, since the homeowner has shot the invader, then there is no need for us to even show up, now."


It was a "calling all units" kind of response. Officers dropped what they were doing and scrambled to the scene. Ambulances were called in. A swarm of flashing blue and red lights descended upon our hillbilly's home.


Police found the hillbilly in his front yard, probably scratching his ass. It did not take the deputies long to uncover the truth. Our hillbilly home owner had, in fact, not shot anyone. He did not even have a gun. Shortly, the ole boy confessed. He felt that the police were taking too long. He figured if he told 911 that he shot someone, the police would come out to his house faster.


He was right. The Deputies immediately hauled his ass to jail and booked him for filing a false report.


Adding insult to ole boy's injury; nothing was missing or damaged in his house. He just had a broken window.


You just can't make this kind of shit up.


Dirty Ert

Locals are funny, Vol. 1, Some Guys Have All the Luck

A story hit the local papers about some odd goings on, at a local jail. Basically the story is: man gets laid while in jail.

Here are the basic facts. A female jailor (age 25) was supervising a male inmate. The inmate was on good behavior and doing mundane labor jobs for the jail. When she escorted him to the supply closets, she fucked him. Only because she became suspiciously pregnant did the Sheriff "smell a rat." In the end, she lost her job and ended up pleading guilty to five counts of sexual contact with a prisoner.

THAT LUCKY BASTARD!

I thought jail was about dodging dick. A'int there some guy about 6'6" and 320 pounds, desperate to stab some shit? That would be my luck in jail. My anal integrity would only be saved with a victory in an all out fist fight.

This guy broke the law and was punished with one of the all time great male fantasies. He got tied up and fucked by a woman jailor, five damn times. I have no idea of what this misguided girl looks like. But who cares? When you're in jail, you can't be picky. Any she-jailor will do, even if she has the head of wombat and the body of gorilla. And to beat all, she was in her mid-twenties. She may not be great looking, but damn she's young.

The last interesting fact of the story was the inmate was transferred to another prison, "for his protection." Protecting the bastard from what? Were they worried that another she-jailor would hork him in the supply closet, only to post this tryst on Youtube? Worse yet, was the Sheriff concerned that a prison uprising might break out? All the inmates would hoist the lucky bastard upon their shoulders, for a victory celebration.

Some guys just have all the fucking luck.

Dirty Ert