Forklifts Named For People

I worked for a forklift dealer for years. At one point, I was the dispatcher and rental unit salesman. Most rental forklifts are assigned a boring ID number, like 465-125. Our company employed the unique marketing idea of naming forklifts. Most of the lifts were named after employees and friends of the company. Yes, there were forklifts named "Dirty" and "Ert." We also had forklifts named after female employees. All of this made for some interesting conversations.



One day a salesman called on me. He was sitting in my office discussing his products when a call came in; someone needed to rent a forklift. Keep in mind the poor salesman had no idea that we named our forklifts after employees and such. This is what the poor man heard.



"This is Ert, how can I help you today?"



"Yes sir, we have several that might suit you nicely. Tell me what you are into today, so I can find something in my stable that suits your needs."



"Uh-huh."



"I see, yes."



"I think I have just what you want. Robin sounds perfect for you. She is sleek and small. That allows her to get into places and positions that my other ones just can't get into."



"Oh! If it is that big, then maybe you need Sherry. She is a little huskier, and to be honest with you, a little rough around the edges. She looks like hell, quite frankly, but she WILL do you just fine. The last job I sent her on was tough. She got beat up pretty good. It was really abusive and I probably shouldn't have sent her there. I was going have her cleaned up today, but you can have her if you want her."



"Hmm, well if that is what you are into; then I don't think you will be satisfied with Robin or Sherry. Perhaps you need Dennis. He is kinda big, but most of my customers have not had a problem with his size. The good thing about Dennis is that he can get it done just about anywhere: on the docks, in the racks, heck he can even do it for you outside in the grass. I will tell you this, I just got Dennis back here this morning. He was on a job last night. He is not clean today."



"OK, just for this afternoon. Robin and Sherry run $100 each. But since Sherry looks so rough, I'll let you have her for $85. Being a little more specialized, Dennis typically runs $175. But I hate to send one out to a customer, unclean. I can let you have Dennis this afternoon for $150. We do charge another $150 for pick up and delivery."



"OK, OK, I see. If you really want to do all that, it is my experience that one afternoon is not enough time. And it also seems to me, that no single one of my group will do everything you want. Here is what I propose: take both Robin and Dennis and keep them for the night. That way I know you can accomplish what you want to do. I can have both of them out there in about an hour and a half. It'll just cost you $500 for the both of them for the night. How does that sound to you?"



"I see, yes that is a lot of money. I do want your business and you did happen to catch me on a slow day. I'll throw in Sherry for an extra $50."



"Great, my driver, Bert will have them there by 2:00. Please make sure that they are ready to pick up tomorrow by noon. Oh! I like to remind my customers to not leave any personal property on them. Once they get back to me, we may never see your stuff again."



"OK, pleasure doing business with you and I look forward to the next time."



I turned to the waiting salesman in my office. He looked rather confused and said "Now just exactly what is it, that you do here?"



Dirty Ert

A word that sells, at least to me.

As of late, I have been attempting to "monetize" my little nook in the cyber world. Far too many hours have been spent on advertising companies and their gadgets, widgets and what not. During this cluster-bumble I've discovered one thing: I may be the only person that thinks "FUCK" is a word that sells.

The little, hell-spawn, MBA in Marketing creeps have a list of "hot" words that seem to drive people to spend money. The usual list toppers are "Free" and "Value." It would appear that six long years of college clouds the mind, "Fuck" is not on the list. It is, in fact, on the other list; words you can't use in advertising.

The website you are currently on has been dropped or denied advertising due to the extravagant use of the term in question. Have these idiots lost their minds?

Fuck is my favorite word, it sells me every time.

First of all, like most people, I really like to fuck. If a woman says to me "Excuse me sir, but would you like to fuck?" I am sold, immediately.

Nextly, I enjoy getting fucked up. I drink vast quantities of alcohol because I enjoy the sensation of getting lost in my own yard. The following is a very effective pitch, "Take some of this. It'll get you more fucked up than a football bat." Now, there are some very nasty things in this world that will fuck you up, many of them to be avoided. But, if anyone throws the football bat pitch at me; I'll, at least, hear the rest of the sales presentation.

Lastly, I just like to say the word. Noun, verb, adverb, adjective, pronoun, it is all parts of speech. Put that in a sentence diagram and smoke it. It just rolls of the tongue like no other. Its the word that really says what none other can. For example, the last time I quit a job. I explained that cutting my pay and benefits was: "The worst fucking idea I've ever heard. Fuck you, I quit. Mother Fucker."

Words that sell, MY ASS!

Dirty Ert