A library should have a full service bar.

A library should have a full service bar.

After 20 years of searching for my million dollar idea - Eureka - I have found it.

Private library/bars, a chain of the fuckers all across this great land. Strap in and hold on to your venture capital people, let the free association begin.

Start with a library, add a bar. Also, make sure that there are cocktail waitresses. Imagine doing research in the reference section and having a Whiskey Sour brought to you. My heavens, if fiction needs anything, it's a Kamikaze. You can even have discussion groups; everybody reads the same damn book, and then gets together over drinks to discuss the fucker.

There could even be a facilitator, trained in the arts of drinking games. Like every time Goethe makes a prophetic statement - everybody hits a Purple Hooter Shooter.

Holy Smokes and Sweet Desire!

Singles events! Yes! Read those damn Mars/Venus fuckers. Then everybody does shots.

Think of it! Bad day?? Tired of your ole ladie's shit? Applebees just don't fucking cut it? A variety of quality micro brew hefeweizens and lagers while perusing the periodicals, yes, that is where I could go when I need a break.

Dirty Ert

Being a Southern Hillbilly is Like...

Over the years I have noticed people's reaction when I proudly proclaim that I am a Southerner and a Hillbilly. The stereotypes attached to these groups are powerful. But, it is always the bad ones that people latch onto. So when I say that "I am a Southern, Hillbilly, Redneck from East Tennessee." Folks from other parts of the world look at me as if I were a racist.

I often attempt to educate people who are not of my stereotyping; that being a Southerner does NOT make you a racist. After many years of searching for the best metaphor to explain this; Eureka, I have found it.

Being a Southern Hillbilly is like being an American when George W. Bush was President.

Look at it this way. People who were not Americans figured that we all wanted to torture and mutilate Muslims and fuck up their countries. During the early part of the 21st century the rest of the world saw us as Imperial assholes of the first order. They figured that all Americans must think that waterboarding was the best idea since vitamin enriched white bread.

Of course, there are the few misguided souls who think that what we did was a good idea. There were people, who decided to ignore the evidence of no weapons of mass destruction, and proclaimed that invading Iraq was "visionary." They also extorted that torturing suspected terrorists was a good idea. Their thinking was; since we started torturing people, nothing has been blown up, so it must be working.

The vast majority of Americans felt that fucking up Iraq and Afghanistan was not a good idea. And we sure as hell would not appreciate it if the Chinese and Russians did it to us. The bulk of our population felt that torture was wrong and should not be done. So perhaps now, folks of Non-Southern persuasion can understand this: Just because you are an East Tennessee Redneck, that does not mean that you are a racist or think slavery was a good idea. Most all good Southern people fell that holding humans in bondage was wrong and a black man is still a man, just as God made him.

Dirty Ert

P.S. All that said, we still despise Yankees. Go figure.

Them Shoes

"God knows you're looking good enough,
But you're so smooth and the world's so rough.
You might have something to loose.
Oh no, pretty momma
What you gonna do in those shoes?"

The Eagles "Those Shoes"


I happened through the living room when my family was watching an episode of "Dancing with the Stars." This is not the sort of television programming that is condoned by Dirty Ert. I did, however, watch one dance routine.

The female dancer caught my eye. She left me in awe. Yes, she was "easy on the eyes," but that is not what struck me. It was her shoes.

She was wearing a pair of three inch pumps. The common name for this footwear is FUCK ME PUMPS. These are the shoes that signal to men that there is a job vacancy and applicants are being interviewed, RIGHT NOW.

But this girl danced about, jumped, boogied and all manner of undulations; with the grace of a mountain goat. She put on a spectacle of dexterity, rarely seen in the Tennessee Hills.

This is what impressed me. While wearing fuck me pumps; I thought there were only two activities that females could safely perform: 1-walking forward in first gear, 2-fucking.

I have no idea of how she fucks, but the ole girl can do a shit load more than walking.

Dirty Ert

Sperm Clearance Sale

Scientific American magazine has posted a new story on it's online edition.

http://www.sciam.com/blog/60-second-science/post.cfm?id=sperm-sale-2009-04-10

It seems economic times have gotten so bad; sperm banks are discounting their goods. A single shot of swimmers is running about $300 now. The article claims that most women need to use about 8 shots. That comes to $2,400 for designer sperm.

How ridiculous is this really?

For $100; I'll crank out enough shots to do the job, guaranteed. If the first shot don't "git r dun" then I'll provide up to 12 more shots for free. For an extra $20, you can inspect me like a damn stud horse.

Hell, if you put an extra ten spot in my pocket, I'll fuck a couch. Throw in another $10 and I'll let you film it.

Who am I kidding? Put 5 shots of Tennessee Whiskey in me, and I'll do the whole nine yards for a draw off a cigarette.

Dirty Ert