Fantasy Job #5: Local Wrestler

Beset by unemployment and cursed with an over active imagination, I have started fantasizing about dream jobs.

Fantasy Job #5: Local Wrestler

I want to be a "Pro Wrestler"

My first performance is two weeks hence at the Unicoi County Smackdown. I perform (wrestle) as "Nalgene the Beastmaster." My costume consists of a blue, faux, animal skin tunic and a leather tank top emblazoned with the NASCAR number 67. I carry a cane with a skull atop of it, vaguely resembling a dragon's head. As for headwear, I intend to swap between an English constable's hat and a blue and gold fedora that says "LION TAMER" on it. My footwear looks just like the boots Gene Simmons was wearing on the cover of the Kiss "Destroyer" album. For my first show, I am matched against three boar goats in an all out cage match. To get the goats going, the promoter will attached sandpaper with a rubber band to their gonads and then pepper spray them in the nose. I get a $8 bonus if I can defeat all three in less than five minutes.

This show will be two Friday's from now, 8:00 PM at the Unicoi County National Guard Armory. It's just off the Beartown Road; turn after the fish hatchery but before the nuclear plant.

I am tentatively on the card for the Hancock County Snow Jamboree in early December. As of now, my opponent is to be two wet bobcats in the heat of mating season.

Technique people, its all technique.

But what of the promotion organization I intend to form, The Southern Mountain Wrestling and Fight Association? Our target audience is not, what you might say, hip people. Our shows will have stands filled with persons of poor dental hygiene, poor hygiene in general, an IQ only marginally higher than a sloth and a raging meth addiction.

There will NOT be anyone in the building who can successfully pod cast or read anything written by Tolstoy. Most of them are pretty sure that a PDA is a venereal disease. As for the internet, it is a Communist mind control plot, slowly replacing the old plot of fluoridated water.

These are people who do not trust banks, mostly because they have no money. The ones with a regular job have "checkings" accounts. The $4 entry fee to the show is almost an hour's wages for most of them. What we have here are people who still cannot handle the rules of driving through a four-way stop.

Should I promote this activity on the internet? A blog or internet link would be like giving your business card to a blind Russian whaling captain; a nice touch, but really not doing any one any good.

Nalgene The Beastmaster