Locals are funny, Vol 3, I'll cut a fish

"Man charged in attack with scissors"

That's a headline that grabs my attention. The paper offered few details and no follow up story. The facts are: the aggressor breaks into another man's home and cuts the victim on the head and hands with scissors. Then the aggressor pushes over a fish tank.

Since the media failed horribly on this one, I'll dream up the rest of the story on my own.

The aggressor (let's call him Otis) is in the grips of withdrawal from meth. Otis is broke and upset over losing his girlfriend (Amy.) She is an upper class girl who fell for a bad boy. Bored with Otis, she dumps him for our victim (Gregory.) In desperation, Otis concocts a plan. He will break into Gregory's house, rob him and scare him away from Amy. Otis hopes to get money for drugs and woo back his girl, in one stroke.

Gregory is on his couch relaxing after work. There is a loud bang on his door. Startled Gregory jumps to his feet, as Otis kicks the door open.

"OK Mother Fucker! Let's have it!"
Gregory is stunned. "Have what?"
"Your money, give me all your god damn money. That's what you get!"
"Get for what?"
"Dating her!"
"Who"
"Amy, you bastard!"
"Who are you?"
"Otis!!"
"And you would be.....?"
"Amy's boyfriend"
"Ahhh! The drug addict."
"I am not an addict; I just like to get high."

Gregory evaluates the situation. Otis is pale, shaking and failed to bring a weapon. Gregory is confident that can destroy Otis in a fight. Gregory yells as he walks toward Otis. "Look man, you just need to get the hell out of here."

The tables are turned. Otis realizes he may not have thought this one through; he is about to get an ass whopping. On a table near the door, there is a pair of scissors. Otis snatches them, hoping to regain the upper hand. From the looks of Gregory walking toward him; the scissors did not help. There is a large and meticulously kept fish tank, three feet away. The fish are exotic and expensive. Otis rushes to the tank and opens the scissors above the water.

"Back off! Back off! Or I swear the fish gets it. Come any closer and I'll cut a fish. I swear to God I will."

Concerned for his prized fish, Gregory stops. His mind rolls the situation over a few times. Then he punches Otis in the mouth. Otis flails backward; the scissors slash Gregory's hands and head. The body of Otis slams against the fish tank. The water sloshes and it begins to tip. Gregory desperately tries to steady it, to no avail. The beautiful fish and colored pebbles pour out onto the floor.

Gregory kicks Otis in the balls so hard that he almost stops breathing. After calling 911, Gregory calls Amy.

"You owe me a fish tank, bitch."

Dirty Ert