Fantasy Job #1: Dirty Ert's Tours

Beset by unemployment and cursed with an over active imagination, I have started fantasizing about dream jobs.

Fantasy Job #1: Dirty Ert's Southern Appalachian Tour Guide

See the Hillbilly South like never before! Come on down, I'll show you.....

I want to take you Yankees and other foreigners on an genuine trip through my home region. Before you leave, you'll experience the Hills like never before.

Be in the lobby of your hotel at 6:00 AM. I highly suggest you wear your drinking shoes. Clothes that you wouldn't mind getting filthy are best. Ladies should display cleavage and hats are optional.

My tour bus is like no other. It's a big ass, 70's U-Haul truck. The cargo interior has been completely refurbished. The floor, walls and ceiling are covered in green outdoor carpet. There are La-Z-Boy chairs and couches bolted to the floor. For your viewing pleasure, I've installed a sliding-glass patio door on each side. It is also equipped with a first aid kit: Goody's Headache Powders, Gatorade and Pepto Bismal. There is a complete bar and a chemical toilet.

As the tour bus peels out of the parking lot, we crack our first beer. Please keep in mind that this is a smoking tour. Throughout the day you should plan on eating a lot. We'll stop for a country breakfast. For lunch and dinner, a feast of BBQ will be had.

There are, of course, Civil War Battlefields, Historic Homes, Museums and all that crap. I'll briefly tell you about them as they whiz past the patio doors. But I want people to see the "other side" of Appalachia. And you need a good beer buzz to take it in.

Your first walking tour is an authentic crystal meth lab. I'll have a few rednecks explain how it is made and give a short lecture on the economics of it. If Skeeter is available; he can tell you all about a meth-dealer conviction and how not to have a stand off with the police. Skeeter was hemmed up in his trailer while the Sheriff was outside with a warrant. Using quick thinking, Skeeter looked for a hostage. Unfortunately the only available hostage, at the time, was a goat. Skeeter quickly discovered that the following phrase does not stop the Sheriff or his SWAT team. "Back off or I'll blow this goat's fucking head off!"

Next we will walk a real marijuana patch. A real-deal grower, with the guilty verdicts to prove it, will show you the art of "booby trapin'" I also have a man that gives a five minute informative lecture on "Confusing the DEA's Helicopters."

At this point in the tour, the sun is setting. Your intoxication should be reaching its peak. Then I shall take you on a romp of personal expression. Bridge and water tower painting. You will have the opportunity to paint the name of your most cherished loved one, on a municipal structure.

Should you pass out, you will get treated like one of us. I am going to paint "FART" on your forehead. Then I'll leave your drunk ass in the landscaping out front of your hotel.

The next morning, upon waking up, you will feel like a real hillbilly.

Dirty Ert