Please reconsider not selecting me for the job

For months I suffered under one of the worst cases of unemployment that I have ever contracted. At the height of the worst recession in generations, I reached the fuck it point. It became crystal clear that my career was over.

I had a pile of those, "thank you for applying, but we are not hiring you" form letters. Inspired, I wrote my own form letter in response to their form letter.

Curiously, nobody has responded.....

Dirty Ert
4445 Beaver Ridge Road
Kingsport, TN 37660
February 23, 2009

Director of Human Resources
Sperry Univac
100 Sperry Drive
Bristol, VA 24201

Madame Director,

I am writing you to follow up on my submission of employment credentials.

Your form letter of February 15th was enlightening, if not terribly disappointing. It is my apologies that my qualifications do not currently meet your employment needs. It is a relief to know that my application will be "kept on file for further consideration."

Allow me to strike at the heart of the matter. I am fucked. I lost my dream job. There are no employment needs that fit my qualifications. Yesterday a bill collector threatened to stab me in the balls. I am going bankrupt and I think my wife is leaving me for a 20 year old college swimmer from Puerto Rico. Drastic times call for drastic measures. So here goes.

I know what "kept on file for further consideration" means. My résumé is currently in a landfill covered with coffee grinds; sandwiched between a soiled condom and knot of used paper towels.

But you need me, yes you do. I have qualifications that perfectly match an employment need you don't even know that you have.

You need to hire me as Auggie Boo-Boo Wormbelly, the Towmotor Driving Toad Boy.

First, I'll explain the name. Auggie was the name of a baby calf I raised on the family farm. I cared and loved him every day; right up until I sent him off to slaughter. It was an awful thing to do on my part. This is probably the reason why I am fucked now, Karma is a bitch. Boo-Boo is the name of another baby calf who suffered the same fate as Auggie. Wormbelly was also a cow I had as a teenager. One day, Wormbelly kicked my old man, right-square in the nuts. It was one of the funniest fucking things I have ever seen. THEN we sent Wormbelly to the slaughter. I guess you could say the ole girl had it a comin'.

Toad Boy, shit that just sounds funny. But, Ah! Towmotor (forklift) driving, this is your benefit.

Let me tell you about my forklift driving. I suck at it, bad. I drive a forklift like a 95 year old Jamaican man; slow and oblivious. As I drive, you will also wonder; is he stoned? But life is funny; I used to be a forklift operator safety training instructor. I have probably spent about 20 hours of my life driving a forklift. But I taught people who had driving a forklift 40 hours a week for 15 years; how to safely drive the thing.

At this point, you are probably asking yourself these questions. Why should I hire someone who sucks at driving a forklift, to drive a forklift? Why should I refer to him as Auggie Boo-Boo Wormbelly, the Towmotor Driving Toad Boy?

Every day I will show up to work in a costume.

I already have my first day's get-up picked out. Now keep in mind how I do my first day on the job. I work off Karma (even if it is a nasty bitch.) There is no need for me to start out in human resources. Quite frankly, it is bullshit and not where the action is. Tax forms and safety videos be damned. I can do those at home while I lounge in my dog hair bath robe.

On my first day, I am going to wear a three colored clown wig. For shoes, I have a lovely pair of snake skin hip boots. I also have a kilt; made from an old shower curtain (it still has the hanging hooks.) My shirt will be lime green and in bold letters say "Evan Williams for President." In case you did not know, Evan Williams is a brand of cheap Kentucky Bourbon (and it is bullshit.) Now for the outfit's piece de resistance, a polystyrene pig's nose. I particularly like this one because I occasionally breathe out of my nose. This pig's nose fits nicely over my nose and it has two holes that line up nicely with my own nostrils.

As I mentioned before, I am bypassing human resources. At 7:00 AM when first shift begins, I am going to walk straight in the employee entrance, like I have worked there for 10 years. I will mount the first forklift I see and immediately begin moving shit around. I am a quick learner and anticipate that I'll get the hang of things in my third or maybe fourth week on the job.

You should also know that I do not interact with coworkers, bosses, vendors, customers or visitors. People can certainly talk to me. But that is of limited use. I am probably thinking about intercourse or food or both, and not really listening. Best results are achieved if you leave me a message on an Etch-A-Sketch.

I can make an important and deep commitment to you. Should there be visitors in the plant during my shift; I will be a rock. I'll drive my Towmotor with my eyes locked forward. My face will be stoic. Your visitors will see the calm intensity behind that pig's nose.

As for the kind of forklift you will need to provide me. I prefer to operate a Lewis Shepard brand. I am aware that Lewis Shepard was bought out in 1972 and their products ceased to be that fall. But, you are a champ and I know there will be a shiny "new" Lewis Shepard waiting for me on my first day (which is next Wednesday.)

For future reference I have several T-Shirts picked out for work. Here is what is written on some of them:

Weed, The Other Green Vegetable
Middle Eastern Chicks, The Other White Meat
Bend Over, I'm Driving
Forklift Drivers Do It In The Racks
Hey Everybody, Lets Fart!
Two Nuns And A Duck
Tequila Makes My Asshole Hurt (Based on my 1994 trip to Mexico)
Rhinestone Hog Boy (I made this one right after I bought a Bedazzler.)

Now, it is time for the salary negations. I do not need money. I need chainsaws. We are talking barter here. Each Friday morning you are to leave a DIFFERENT chainsaw on my Lewis Shepard. I am on a quest, to start the world's only chainsaw museum on an Interstate 81 exit.

Each "payday" I will examine the "offering" of a chainsaw you leave for me. If the saw is acceptable, I will give a subtle acknowledgement. I will stand on one leg, raise my arms over my head and let loose my best hyena impression. If the chainsaw fails to make the grade; I will ram my forklift into the Coke machine. Then I will go home. When I come back on Monday, there had better be an acceptable saw on my Lewis Shepard, along with an apology on the Etch-A-Sketch. If not, I will muster a mighty turd, and leave it on the plant manager's car windshield.

I believe that you will find this both a fair and equitable deal.

Looking forward to my new career

Best wishes,

Auggie Boo-Boo Wormbelly, the Towmotor Driving Toad Boy