A Pirate Looks at 36

Sipping burnt coffee while sitting at the kitchen table; I started reading the newspaper. Headlines in bold letters declared "Pirates take US Ship." The article went on about the dangers of modern African pirates and their doings. As fate would have it, my CD player shuffled to the Jimmy Buffett song, A Pirate Looks at Forty.

I had always wanted to be a pirate. It was noon, I was unemployed and still wearing sweatpants. Becoming a pirate was the best idea my brain had created in weeks. I was also a business manager by trade. I began to formulate a 5 year plan, for a pirating business.

Dirty Ert's Pirating and Pillaging LLC
5 Year Business Plan
Prepared by: Dirty Ert, Chief Executive Pirate

Executive Summary:

Dirty Ert's Pirating and Pillaging LLC (DEPP) seeks to take strong advantage of the market opportunities.

The primary location for DEPP's operations will be the North Fork of the Holston River. Selected because it is close to Ert's house and is impossible for any US Navy ships to navigate.

The methods for DEPP to create positive cash flow is: Dirty Ert will paddle around the river in a boat, while in splendid costuming. When he sees another boat; he will paddle after it like his ass is on fire. Upon reaching the other boat, he will yell "Heave to and hand over all your loot and libations. That means give me your money and beer mother fuckers." Then Dirty Ert will egress, quickly.

Market Opportunity:

Any stretch of the North Fork of the Holston will have 2 or 3 people pass by a day. Perhaps 1 in 10 will actually have money on them. 7 in 10 will have beer. DEPP seeks to capitalize on both assets.

Management:

Dirty Ert brings a twenty year career to DEPP. None of it is useful for pirating. But he does have his own pirating hat.

Competitors:

None. Currently there are no other pirates operating on the North Fork of the Holston River. There are rumors of a gang of pirates on nearby Boone Lake. However, reports characterize this band as "butt pirates." Therefore they do not appear to be competitor, merely a threat to anal security.

Capital Requirements:

Sources of funds:
Dirty Ert $0.00
Kid's Piggy Bank $26.30

Preoperational Expenditures:

Boat: $0.00 - can steal one from the junkyard next door
Hat: $0.00 - got one
Parrott: $120.00 - will require financing

Closing Remarks:

Our boat has been christened "The Commode Runner." Her hull be strong and her mast be true.